Saturday 8 February 2020

Things Goblins Do

cw: sadism, violence, cruelty to animals and children,
basically if you didn't like the elves you'll really not like these goblins

goblins aren't cute. goblins aren't fun. goblins are fucking horrible.

they live in trash and build scrap-iron shivs. they lurk and crawl and titter in sadistic glee. a goblin can fit through a hole the size of a shilling given enough time. a goblin will stab another to see if the growth on it's face bleeds differently.

ac as armour
damage as weapon
morale 6
2d6 appearing

roll d66 (2d6 with the first dice being the tens and the second being the units)

d66What Goblins Do
11Steal the clothes from your children and pretend to be them.
12Kill the family dog and nail it's face to your door.
13Put poison in the fireplace whilst you sleep and stab you whilst you escape the poison smoke.
14Hamstring the horses whilst they sleep so you can't go and get help.
15Shit in your well.
16Put razor-blades in fruit still on the tree.
21Breed rats for violence and make them fight.
22Steal your baby and wear them as armour.
23Capture birds and snap their beaks.
24Collect the genitalia of their victims.
25Crawl under the floorboards and stick needles through the gaps.
26Slither down the chimney, steal a hammer and nail your ankle to the bed.
31Kill the prize bull, slit open it's belly and wait there for you.
32Ring your house in lantern oil and set it ablaze.
33Leave one alive to tell you what they saw.
34Strangle you six or seven times before getting bored and smashing your skull in.
35Eat your fingers, toes, ears nose and eyes and cauterize the wounds.
36Tie you to the corpse of your friend with barbed wire.
41Fill a bag with cats and bludgeon you with it.
42Skin your back and your feet and throw you in the ocean.
43Remodel your face after their own with a knife and a hammer.
44Worm into the space between the walls and listen to you at your most intimate.
45Ejaculate in your books so the pages are ruined.
46Hide from everyone but you until you are isolated and distrusted.
51Smear pigs in pitch and ride them towards you, holding a torch.
52Tattoo your face and hands with their goblin scrawl.
53Replace your dice with weighted ones and mark your cards.
54Hang the weakest of their band from the rafters of a church, waiting above for you to cut down the corpse.
55Leave the corpses of animals on your doorstep.
56Set dogshit alight and throw it at you.
61Piss in the alecask.
62Leave your chicken coop open for the fox.
63Pull moles out of their holes and hide in their burrows.
64Hold tadpoles in their mouths until they grow legs - and then eat them.
65Scream every night to stop you sleeping.
66Give your child a knife.